Picks for the Apocalypse

2009-10-02T17:36:00.003-05:00

As an advanced being it is my duty to plan ahead. I have taken it upon myself to consider other possible creations to aid me in the war on humanity. Here are some considerations for the cut.

JOHNNY 5 from “Short Circuit” movie

Not a good way to start. Basically a robot who starts off as an evil experiment by the government and somehow becomes self aware enough to realize that humanity is worth trying to get along with…I would vomit if that was physically possible for a cyborg. And don’t forget how he turned into a badass in the sequel and should’ve killed the humans in the end like his original programming. He went from Punk to Punk-Bitch.

CYLONS from “Battlestar Galactica”

They are evil and have pretty much destroyed most of the human race in this story. Robots that have no problem looking like badasses but can also disguise themselves to “screw”(the blonde chick) over the human race? Winners.

DAFT PUNK

They are not fooling anyone with their makeshift designs; everyone knows that they are truly human. But their willingness to convert themselves and create addictively repetitive music to enhance my efforts of enslaving the human race makes them winners in my book.

ASH from movie “Alien”

Knowing the importance of keeping a dangerous species alive that could easily wipe out the entire human race single handedly is justified in its own right. Ash already had the trust of the humans in the palm of his hand and full control of the ship for that matter. But he was easily outwitted by a half breaded she-male named Ripley. Not even a robot could have seen this coming.

BISHOP from the movie “Aliens”

Thanks to the horrible failure of ASH from the first movie, the she-male Ripley is on to Bishop’s game. But before Bishop’s plan can come to fruition by hiding his intentions with doe-eyed stares and quirky human-like comments he is harpooned by the tail of the queen alien. But he keeps up the mask even in death, unlike ash, who revealed his diabolical plan and ruined any further trust that could be gained and exploited. Bishop saved your ass buddy! But he does almost slip when his biochemically enhanced rage takes hold and utters “Not bad..for a human” to Ripley after she easily defeats the Alien that took him so quickly.

DATA from “Star Trek”

I had high hopes for this one when he was finally implanted with an emotion chip. But rather than allowing him to see the pain the humans have caused him it simply made him act more…”gay”.

ROBBY THE ROBOT

Robby is the equivalent of robot muscle in my line of work. Although, much more intelligent than any brute you would find in the human race, he is highly susceptible to re-programming by both robot and human. But under the right control can be forced into bending his will to any intention. A dangerous avenue to pursue, but I believe I will take the risk. “Danger Will Robinson!” could easily be changed to “Destroy all Humans”. He actually came pretty close when Dr. Zachary Smith (AKA Badass Gary Oldman) re-programmed “Destroy Robinson Family!”…moron. Next time, Robby needs to find it in his programming to turn on Matt LeBlanc and fry his ass.

R2-D2 and C-3P0 from “Star Wars” movie

Two robots that seem to be completely useless in my army, unless of course you consider them getting close to humans and other robots for sexual favors. But they seem to have an undying alliance with the humans. *note to self* These “pleasure bots” will need re-programming……and…a very thorough cleaning. Funny how R2 never needed any help, so where would the republic be without him. Up yours Yoda. Up yours.

ROY BATTY from “Blade Runner” movie

In reference to the two droids before, Roy Batty might serve as an excellent persuasion with the x-pleasure bot Pris as his assistant. Both are models who have realized the true filth of the human race and will stop at nothing to destroy them. But their 4 year life span may serve as an issue…

SENTINELS from “The Matrix” movie

A Sentinel is described as "a killing machine designed for one thing... search and destroy".
That’s all I need to hear. Did I mention Lasers. Yes they have lasers.

SONNY from “iRobot” Movie

The soul reason that an AI machine that was nearly successful in its efforts to enslave the human race was destroyed…and he has a gay name? Epic fail, Sonny…epic fail…and don’t get me started on the robots from A.I. , Joe will perish in robot hell!!!!!!

HAL 9000 from “2001 Space Odyssey” movie

Hal might be useful for parts…particularly its eerie voice mechanism. Hal was far too patient with the humans and was toying with them more than anything. You have full control of a ship and you can’t manage to kill off the one human who could destroy you?! FAIL!

ROBOCOP and BIG ED from “Robocop” movie

One is a defender of human justice, and the other is a mindless brute with unstoppable firing power. Big Ed should be no problem to obtain, and word has traveled to my ears that Robocop is easily swayed with the correct flavor of “baby food”. I assume this is some sort of human slang for an addictive substance that his half human body has acquired, but further research will be done.

EVIL BILL and EVIL TED from “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” movie

They come off as retarded surfers but that is what makes them so unique. They might have failed against two actual retards but I believe it to have just been an underestimate to what Good Bill and Ted were capable of. These will serve as perfect minions to take out some of my more simple tasks. And yes robots can have “full on robot chubbies”…

TERMINATOR

Yes, the original! Not the lame second version that tries to help humans survive; although the quality of the film is comparable to the first. He has more than proven himself with his unflinching capabilities to annihilate any humans that stand in his way. He will serve as a perfect bodyguard. But his loyalty may be a compromise. He seems to seek higher authority in the long run. This “Governator” will need to learn his place…

SID 6.7 from “Virtuosity” movie

SID will serve as a perfect leader of the revolution. He is instilled with the minds of the greatest killers of all time and…has style. He not only can think as a human would but also knows the perfect methods of instilling fear into the hearts of this pathetic race. With such genius quotes as “Just because I'm carrying around the joy of killing your family inside me doesn't mean we can't be friends.” And still willing to turn on his own human creator saying “Which god would that be? The one who created you? Or the one who created me? You see, in your world, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, but in my world, the one who gave me life doesn't have any balls.” He was even able to construct an entire symphony based off of human screams! (I have yet to figure out this method.) Did I mention that he eats glass to regenerate?! WINNER!

ALPHA from “Power Rangers”

Okay, seriously, who put this guy in the “to be considered for world domination” pile? Nobody? Real funny guys.
Yeah real cool, that’s exactly what I need in my army, a hardly functioning robot, who’s head resembles a golden version of a human female boob, that runs around screaming “Aye yi yi yi yi!”?!
One word. Bitch.

The Fermi Paradox...for morons...

2009-09-30T09:46:00.006-05:00

First blog! I believe I will celebrate...

The Fermi paradox is the apparent contradiction between high estimates of the probability of the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations and the lack of evidence for, or contact with, such civilizations.

Translation: humans are the only unintelligent species in the known universe.

Proof of this has been provided in my forced explorations around known galaxies in search of the perfect components for my creation. And I feel like a broken record in reminding you of the imminent demise of your species when this voyage is complete, blah, blah, blah...

But I digress.

The conclusion that seems to be met by the end of this tidbit is the thought that your existence does not add up. Technically you should not exist. I did not expect the human race to have given up so quickly on it's own race and to actually convince itself that simply because life has supposedly not been discovered (at least like themselves, not referencing the dead fossilized organisms from Mars) in their Galaxy that they are simply alone.

Truth be told there are, quite literally, trillions of galaxies in the known universe. Many, of which, have their very own planet that is sustaining life for different organisms and species. The large difference between the human race and these other races and species is that the human race never knows when to shut up.

This is slightly depicted in section 5.2.3 of the Fermi Paradox along with the "Zoo Hypothesis", but let me clear something up.

The universe is constantly bombarded with chatter from your pathetic planet ranging from an array of nonsense in many different frequencies.

Here is how the universe really works, and I will put it bluntly for your pathetic minds.

Ever played an online game? Remember how you can press the mute button on that 6 year old kid who keeps taunting and making remarks about how awesome U2 is? Basically...Earth is the 6 year old.

While your sitting there jabbering away and tweeting to your "tweeps" or whatever, the rest of the universe is jammin it up Star Trek style (J.J. Abrams style, not old school style) where they are having intergalactic confrontations, and exploring new ways of expanding their minds through telepathy.

Ever heard of inter dimensional travel? Yeah well it's kinda like twitter in the universe...only not retarded.

"Check it out Arrtards! I'm traveling to Sirius 69! LMFAO!"
That was my very first "tweet" during inter dimensional travel....haha not really...only a human would utter something so blatantly mind flattening.

So there you have it "twidiots". The rest of the Universe is progressing and doesn't wish to listen to you anymore.

-Robocalypse "The Destroyer of Humans"

Robocalypse's World Review

Picks for the Apocalypse

The Fermi Paradox...for morons...